You know that feeling, when you literally sigh with relief after finding out that others also do/think/feel that ‘strange’ thing you do/think/feel. Kinda like, when I quite-literally sighed with relief after getting my hands on “The five love languages” book – at last it all made sense. Him. Me. Our language. I got it!!
Well along these lines, this past month of May, has been one long sigh of
relief for me…and it all centered around ‘my needs’. Yes, my needs. I said it
aloud – is that even allowed??
You see for years I, along with most of the world (I feel),
have had feelings that simply don’t go away. Certain actions done by others, or
situations or a bunch of ugly circumstances often cause me to go into what I
call, “My safe space – that’s really not safe at all”. To deal with
‘uncomfortable’, we rely on emotions (which turn into actions) that come
naturally to us, and those then dictate how our day, week, or even month will
turn out. So someone upsets you, you get sad – and you often take it one step
further, and make it personal. Or something you organized doesn’t go as planned
and you turn it back on yourself and reinforce all the negative things you believe
about yourself already. Or worse still, a problem presents itself that doesn’t
appear to have a solution, and so you get frustrated. And it doesn’t go away. And
then, you turn that frustration inwards.
This month, for me, was all about networking. I can
officially say that I haven’t passed-by one opportunity to meet with mentors in
my industry, brainstorm with other creatives & business owners, attend
training days and even small conferences. This month, I got out there. And if
there is one thing (that for some or other reason) kept creeping into every
meeting I had, it was this idea of “needs”.
We all have them. Different but similar. The problem is that,
for the most part, we don’t acknowledge our needs and instead we turn to
emotions that come naturally to us, and we turn every situation inwards. {I.e:
I want to feel valued, but someone did something that made me feel
under-valued, I thus turn to angry. I am now angry. Value has nothing to do
with this. I AM ANGRY}
But truth be told, it’s not all about you….well, not in the
way you think.
We are all born with a certain set of basic needs. Then,
through a mixture of upbringing, personality and choices, we start to form
agreements with certain thoughts or ideas, and those become the truths we live
by. The thing is, those are your truths, and may not be mine. As soon as we start
to see a person’s behavior, speech and ideas in isolation (i.e: according to
their belief system they think this is right/wrong), we free ourselves from
taking things personally. To take something personally is to admit that we all
have the same belief system, agreements/thoughts – which is impossible. I say
and do things that protect my needs, you say and do things that protect yours.
OURS are different. To take something personally is to submit to someone else’s
agreements (what they feel is right/wrong), and yet for the most part – you
don’t.
It is an art to start to see people’s behaviour and words
from where’s they came, and to not take them on as our own. By reflecting on
why a certain person may have felt the need to behavior or act in such a way,
you are able to free yourself up from self-judgment and make it ‘their issue
and not yours’. I am not saying that everything everyone says should be said,
but that’s their journey (their set of truths they live by) and it’s their
responsibility to deal or challenge those beliefs; it’s not for you to take on.
My little month of ‘needs’ didn’t stop at “not taking things
personally”, it went further, deeper. I was given access to a coaching tool
that digs into the reason behind your frustration, anger, disappointment, PROBLEM
and I have seen incredible results through using this tool with clients and on
myself…but that is for next week
J
May you be empowered today, to see each set of actions or
words spoken by both yourself and others, as mere expressions of their/your
personal agreements (thoughts) and thus not for anyone else to take personally.
It is freeing, and I am working on it, alongside you.
