21 days to a Happier you!!

Why I am over taking things personally....and YOU should be too!!

You know that feeling, when you literally sigh with relief after finding out that others also do/think/feel that ‘strange’ thing you do/think/feel.  Kinda like, when I quite-literally sighed with relief after getting my hands on “The five love languages” book – at last it all made sense. Him. Me. Our language. I got it!!

Well along these lines, this past month of May, has been one long sigh of relief for me…and it all centered around ‘my needs’. Yes, my needs. I said it aloud – is that even allowed??

You see for years I, along with most of the world (I feel), have had feelings that simply don’t go away. Certain actions done by others, or situations or a bunch of ugly circumstances often cause me to go into what I call, “My safe space – that’s really not safe at all”. To deal with ‘uncomfortable’, we rely on emotions (which turn into actions) that come naturally to us, and those then dictate how our day, week, or even month will turn out. So someone upsets you, you get sad – and you often take it one step further, and make it personal. Or something you organized doesn’t go as planned and you turn it back on yourself and reinforce all the negative things you believe about yourself already. Or worse still, a problem presents itself that doesn’t appear to have a solution, and so you get frustrated. And it doesn’t go away. And then, you turn that frustration inwards.

This month, for me, was all about networking. I can officially say that I haven’t passed-by one opportunity to meet with mentors in my industry, brainstorm with other creatives & business owners, attend training days and even small conferences. This month, I got out there. And if there is one thing (that for some or other reason) kept creeping into every meeting I had, it was this idea of “needs”.

We all have them. Different but similar. The problem is that, for the most part, we don’t acknowledge our needs and instead we turn to emotions that come naturally to us, and we turn every situation inwards. {I.e: I want to feel valued, but someone did something that made me feel under-valued, I thus turn to angry. I am now angry. Value has nothing to do with this. I AM ANGRY}

But truth be told, it’s not all about you….well, not in the way you think. 

We are all born with a certain set of basic needs. Then, through a mixture of upbringing, personality and choices, we start to form agreements with certain thoughts or ideas, and those become the truths we live by. The thing is, those are your truths, and may not be mine. As soon as we start to see a person’s behavior, speech and ideas in isolation (i.e: according to their belief system they think this is right/wrong), we free ourselves from taking things personally. To take something personally is to admit that we all have the same belief system, agreements/thoughts – which is impossible. I say and do things that protect my needs, you say and do things that protect yours. OURS are different. To take something personally is to submit to someone else’s agreements (what they feel is right/wrong), and yet for the most part – you don’t.

It is an art to start to see people’s behaviour and words from where’s they came, and to not take them on as our own. By reflecting on why a certain person may have felt the need to behavior or act in such a way, you are able to free yourself up from self-judgment and make it ‘their issue and not yours’. I am not saying that everything everyone says should be said, but that’s their journey (their set of truths they live by) and it’s their responsibility to deal or challenge those beliefs; it’s not for you to take on.

My little month of ‘needs’ didn’t stop at “not taking things personally”, it went further, deeper. I was given access to a coaching tool that digs into the reason behind your frustration, anger, disappointment, PROBLEM and I have seen incredible results through using this tool with clients and on myself…but that is for next week 

J

May you be empowered today, to see each set of actions or words spoken by both yourself and others, as mere expressions of their/your personal agreements (thoughts) and thus not for anyone else to take personally. It is freeing, and I am working on it, alongside you.

Every journey begins where you stand...

Personally, I love writing titles like this one as it does one of two things to all of us. It either comes as a huge encouragement, a nudge in the direction you are already leaning towards, or it comes as a massive wake up call. One you want to avoid, run miles from and if all fails, just dig hole and hide from it all.

Whatever your situation is, I’m here to encourage you that today is a BIG day for you, whether you know it or not. Today, there is only a future and a present. Today, you get to remember the past, but not travel there. Today, you get to start a new journey, one that leads you forward.

It’s easy to get stuck in the past, I know I did this for years. On numerous occasions, I would find myself introducing myself to people by referring to my past…be it failures, life lessons, achievements, where I went to school…you get the gist. I’ve always been a future oriented person, but still I found that I was leaning a bit too much on my past, and not so much on what I had right now, today, in this moment.

And then one day, I hit a serious low, and landed up having to deal with all my baggage, successes {and the in-betweens of my past}, and during those few weeks I realized that as much as my past would always be a part of me, I refused to let it determine my future any longer. I’d like to say that from that moment, I chose happiness. I chose a future that would start today…but it wasn’t that simple. As with most mind-shifts, it’s taken a good couple years for me to really start living this notion out. And the closer I move to letting go of what is behind {what hand life dealt me}, the closer I get to the life I always longed for, a life with no excuses, no regrets, no what-ifs…a life where I choose to step into all that is and will be.

I’m not anti focusing on the past; memories are a gift that I deeply treasure, life-experience is the foundation of who I am, and psychology had its part to play in helping me let the past rest where it was made. But who I will be tomorrow, will not be determined by what ifs, if only’s, woe-is-me’s or worries. No…who I will be tomorrow is dependent on who I am today, what I choose to acknowledge, let go of, embrace and for me {a real biggey} allow my thoughts to ponder on.

Here is a link to a free coaching printable I created, to help you acknowledge where you are at today, and to deal with niggling thoughts that won’t seem to go away…

The best people to be around are those who embrace today, who give no excuses for who they are, what they stand for, or look like or feel. It is my hope that I will one day be one of those people…

     

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