21 days to a Happier you!!

Why I am over taking things personally....and YOU should be too!!

You know that feeling, when you literally sigh with relief after finding out that others also do/think/feel that ‘strange’ thing you do/think/feel.  Kinda like, when I quite-literally sighed with relief after getting my hands on “The five love languages” book – at last it all made sense. Him. Me. Our language. I got it!!

Well along these lines, this past month of May, has been one long sigh of relief for me…and it all centered around ‘my needs’. Yes, my needs. I said it aloud – is that even allowed??

You see for years I, along with most of the world (I feel), have had feelings that simply don’t go away. Certain actions done by others, or situations or a bunch of ugly circumstances often cause me to go into what I call, “My safe space – that’s really not safe at all”. To deal with ‘uncomfortable’, we rely on emotions (which turn into actions) that come naturally to us, and those then dictate how our day, week, or even month will turn out. So someone upsets you, you get sad – and you often take it one step further, and make it personal. Or something you organized doesn’t go as planned and you turn it back on yourself and reinforce all the negative things you believe about yourself already. Or worse still, a problem presents itself that doesn’t appear to have a solution, and so you get frustrated. And it doesn’t go away. And then, you turn that frustration inwards.

This month, for me, was all about networking. I can officially say that I haven’t passed-by one opportunity to meet with mentors in my industry, brainstorm with other creatives & business owners, attend training days and even small conferences. This month, I got out there. And if there is one thing (that for some or other reason) kept creeping into every meeting I had, it was this idea of “needs”.

We all have them. Different but similar. The problem is that, for the most part, we don’t acknowledge our needs and instead we turn to emotions that come naturally to us, and we turn every situation inwards. {I.e: I want to feel valued, but someone did something that made me feel under-valued, I thus turn to angry. I am now angry. Value has nothing to do with this. I AM ANGRY}

But truth be told, it’s not all about you….well, not in the way you think. 

We are all born with a certain set of basic needs. Then, through a mixture of upbringing, personality and choices, we start to form agreements with certain thoughts or ideas, and those become the truths we live by. The thing is, those are your truths, and may not be mine. As soon as we start to see a person’s behavior, speech and ideas in isolation (i.e: according to their belief system they think this is right/wrong), we free ourselves from taking things personally. To take something personally is to admit that we all have the same belief system, agreements/thoughts – which is impossible. I say and do things that protect my needs, you say and do things that protect yours. OURS are different. To take something personally is to submit to someone else’s agreements (what they feel is right/wrong), and yet for the most part – you don’t.

It is an art to start to see people’s behaviour and words from where’s they came, and to not take them on as our own. By reflecting on why a certain person may have felt the need to behavior or act in such a way, you are able to free yourself up from self-judgment and make it ‘their issue and not yours’. I am not saying that everything everyone says should be said, but that’s their journey (their set of truths they live by) and it’s their responsibility to deal or challenge those beliefs; it’s not for you to take on.

My little month of ‘needs’ didn’t stop at “not taking things personally”, it went further, deeper. I was given access to a coaching tool that digs into the reason behind your frustration, anger, disappointment, PROBLEM and I have seen incredible results through using this tool with clients and on myself…but that is for next week 

J

May you be empowered today, to see each set of actions or words spoken by both yourself and others, as mere expressions of their/your personal agreements (thoughts) and thus not for anyone else to take personally. It is freeing, and I am working on it, alongside you.

Bucket list: Tick number 1

I’m a go-getter. I’d like to think that people would describe me as embracing life with all I have and am. And so, yes, I made my 2014 Bucket List public. That may seem insignificant, but for me, it meant action. 

As I wrote in my blog post, Defining your dreams, “It's easy to head in a general direction of your dreams...but being 'general' and not 'specific' will mean that one day down the line, we will never really get that, 'Oh my gracious, I am living MY dream" feeling.” And so, with this in mind, I decided to name and claim my dreams. And that started with 2014.

So as you may know, my husband and I are currently backpacking through South East Asia, currently in Vietnam. Today I’ve taken the day off ‘adventuring’ to blog, and plan, and work on a new e-course I’m putting together.

So, with some time on my hands I thought I’d do a little Bucket List check-in on my blog – this way you get to hold me accountable to the dreams that I long to fulfill too. If you haven’t seen my 2014 bucket list yet then click here!!

So number 1 was to “Spend a day exploring Angkor Wat Temples, Cambodia". It’s funny how life works; a couple years back something like wandering through ancient temples would have had absolutely no appeal to me, but as one does, I have changed over the years and so adventuring around these beautiful temples built so long ago, was added to my 2014 Bucket List. And wow, it really was so worth the visit. We opted to do the ‘tour’ via tuk-tuk rather than cycling (our original plan) due to a few reasons, one being the heat (crazy) and were so glad we chose this option. My husband and I tend to do most things at speed and so slowly we’re trying to slow down and really take in each moment, to be there, fully. And that’s really what this day was all about.

We stood marveling at these massive stone temples, so ancient that huge trees have grown right through their walls, both in awe of life and beauty and that moment!!

To stop and really see, is an art that I’m attempting to marvel. This tick off my bucket list will be remembered as one of the segments in time, when all stood still and I was there, enveloped in history.  

I’m feeling the love!

With Valentines Day approaching, I thought I’d do something a little different and run my first-ever Giveaway!! This giveaway is for anyone, worldwide, and includes a FREE Life Coaching ‘Goal Setting for 2014’ skype session!! 

Yes, you heard right, a FREE full-hour session, for you to reflect on 2013 and spend some time brainstorming with me, as I guide you through a goal setting process, landing you with some inspiring, exciting goals for the year ahead!!

To enter, Log onto my facebook page HERE, and like & share my giveaway J

Making decisions motivated by your dreams, rather than your fears!

This morning as I lay in bed, thinking of all the decisions my husband and I will be needing to make in the next 2 – 3 months, I tried to put my coaching into practice within my own life. 

How does one make ‘towards dreams' decisions instead of ‘away from fears’ decisions???

We are all dreamers at heart…except some of us were encouraged to dream while growing up, whilst others weren't...and this has, more than likely, determined your views towards the concept of dreams and the reality of them in your life.

Today, I want to tell you that dreams are a necessity in life. They are often the driving force behind our actions, our thoughts. Without even realizing it, we consult with our dreams (and with dreams, come fears) before making big life decisions and sometimes even small decisions too. The problem with this is that we often end up consulting the fears (moving away from something we know we DON’T want), rather than consulting our dreams (moving towards something we DO want).  Sounds a bit confusing…Okay, I’ll give you a few quick examples…

Imagine, that you are bored in your job. Over it, to put it bluntly, except you find that you're not applying for jobs at other companies and you can’t quite put your finger on 'why'. As a coach, I can bet-ya, that if we chatted for a mere 30 min, you’d be admitting to…

# 1 – Having always wanted to travel/live abroad and you guess that this may be the reason why you're nervous to settle into a new job.

# 2 – The fact that you're a little scared to apply for a new job in this industry, as deep down you know that this was never the career you dreamed/dream of pursuing  in the first place.

BOTH of these completely logical reasons are ‘fear driven’ responses – ie. AWAY from something you don’t want. These fears ultimately stem from your dreams, the ones you desperately don't want to let go of..the ones so deeply and carefully hidden in your heart, for protection, for safe-keeping, that sometimes it’s hard to find them again. Based on this little piece of evidence...GUESS WHAT - You DO know what you want, but, as with all of us, its sometimes a scary place to go, so instead, you try to avoid what you don’t want and hope you’ll end up in a happy space, somehow.

Let’s look at the two directions that the above-mentioned decision could go in…

A)   You could decide to put off these thoughts for a while and just stick it through at work (this could SO easily be applied to unhappy relationship too)…I mean you're not "that" unhappy, right? (Motivated by Fear)

B)   Or you could decide to start the process of redefining what you want to do "career-wise"; by slowly putting into place a plan for moving forward…a plan for pursuing what was always deep-down in your heart, just hidden beneath the rubble of fear and "what-ifs". (Motivated by Dreams)

Weird when you put it like that…right???!!!

 

So as a little task for today…to get us all on the track of starting to make decisions based on our dreams/desires rather than fear-driven decisions.

Try to catch yourself today, when you are in position that requires you to make a decision. Or look at a recent decision you've made. BIG or small. Now, if you learn best from writing - get some paper ready, from reading aloud – go to a quiet boardroom, from thinking – get your thinking-cap on.

I’m gonna use the writing example, as that’s how I learn.

# 1 -   Write down the decision you had/have to make…and what you decided or the direction you leaning towards.

# 2 – Now answer these questions…honestly.

• How do you feel about the decision you made? 

• Was it a difficult decision or an easy one?

• Why do you think you decided what you did?

• Why else did you decide this?

• Was this decision motivated by fear or dreams? (Was it a ‘towards’ or ‘away from’ decision?)

• If 'Fear - driven' - How would this decision have looked had you been motivated by your dreams?  Would this lead to a further decision you may now have needed to make?

• If 'Dream - driven' - How did it feel to know you were moving in a direction that EXCITES you?  How can use what you applied in making this decision...to other areas of your life?

Today I want you to know that it’s ok to feel…

I was just chatting to a friend and she mentioned how she’d been feeling a bit “bleh” this week…and this got me thinking about feelings..

Many of us are governed by them, day in and day out. We allow them to rule.

 

Happy. Angry. Disappointed. Depressed. Sad. And for many, Fat.

Now…as with most things, we learn over time how to label and account for our feelings. Through our upbringings, peer groups, and situations that have “unconsciously” defined us…we learn how to feel and what to call it. This is great for the most part...but what gets dangerous is when we actually have to name these feelings.

Many of us are too scared to feel and so we limit it to a range of 3 to 4 options…happy, sad, excited. I know I did this for years – If someone asked me if I ever get angry I’d say “of course” but when I really thought about it, all I did when I was “angry” was cry…so NO I didn’t ever get angry…I confused it, in attempt to protect me and others, and I called it “sad”. You see, we learn to run from things that are unpleasant, things that strike our internal-alarm-system and say “DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE ME”.

Over time, I've learnt , for example, that feeling “fat” isn't a feeling at all..I am in fact feeling scared, alone, shameful. I started digging a bit deeper every time an unpleasant emotion swept over me…and I started naming them. "I am feeling angry and that’s ok…and no Caitlyn, you don’t need to cry…you are not sad, you are angry."

 

I learnt that feelings pass…as they should…and that going for a run or doing whatever compulsive behavior you do when you feel an uncomfortable emotion rising within you, will not speed up the process of it passing. I learnt to sit with the feeling, acknowledge it and then choose what to do with it…I could accept it and let it pass or I could act on it (impulsively most of the time).

So today…I want to say that I get that you feel. I get that some feelings are scary and that some we want to do anything to avoid. But I also want you to know that the fact that you ARE feeling is GOOD!!! Repressed feelings (feelings unacknowledged, unfelt) only land us in a hole that many call "depression".

So FEEL friends…and name those feelings…and if you are ready, see what happens when you don’t rush to escape the feeling and instead you acknowledge how you feel and then you choose to act, wisely.

Those that have mastered "feeling" are the very people who can sit alone at home and know that they are truly at peace with themselves..

I’m embracing this challenge alongside you :)

What would your life look like if....

What would your life look like if you stopped worrying about what and who “they” expect you to be…and you started living out who you were created to be?

I can’t say I’ve mastered this one. I am a people-pleaser by nature.  But one thing for sure is that when it comes to living up to other’s expectations of me, I have taken leaps forward compared to where I was a couple years back.

It is so easy to get comfortable doing the things you are good at. In the beginning, its fun and you feel proud…that is until the world gets a hold of that talent/passion/personality trait…and they decide that that very “thing” will define you. It will become “who” you are…and you will NOT stray from it.

I reached a point in my life when I had enough…I had enough of being a good runner and a strong leader…I cracked! And I did what I feel many of us of would love to do sometimes…I gave up. Ok that wasn’t the wisest of decisions and it didn’t last very long, but it opened up a realm of possibilities for me - what I wanted my future to look like.

I started with a blank page and gradually built up a list of things I enjoyed doing…things other people may not know I enjoy doing…but I do.

In the end, my list did include running & public speaking, but for me I had reached a tipping point in my life, NO longer would I be defined/limited by a few things I do well…I was created, YOU were created, for far more than being defined by a little somewhat limiting talent or passion.

When God created you He had an intention. You were made to live an abundant life, not limited by human expectation. Every day I try to take a step towards living the life I am destined for…not the one that other’s feel would be best suited for me.

It’s freeing! Worth a try I’d say!!!